Friday, December 21, 2012

Dear Mayans,

I just have one thing to say.


*singing Everybody Dance Now in King Julian's voice*


Monday, December 17, 2012

Blind Woman's Bluff - Kiddie Wars

You know those people that look at you in irritation when your kids are trampling around the mall in their squeaky shoes? I am one of them.

I really have nothing against kids (I find they are adorable in spite of the mass destruction they cause); I totally have it against parents that can't control their wards. Every time I decide to have a meal in peace, even breakfast for heavens sake, there is a huge family that walks in. Four uncles, four aunties, one- two difficult teenage girls and at least four kids out of which three take it on themselves to kick the waiter in his shins and drop all the forks. The last one simply sits there bawling his lungs out.

*massaging my headache*

I make it my business to stay away from noisy kids. (I know, I know. How far can I run, right?)
To my enormous surprise, turns out I'm actually good with them, one at a time that is.

This other day,we went to a cousins house who had a 4-5 year old boy. He's the kind that beat up your kid and is responsible for all the bite marks on the other boys. If you have the audacity to ask why he bites other boys, his nonchalant response would be, 'Becuzz my teeths are sharrp'.
For the un-initiated, I am a Telugu, married to a I understand a select few words of the language.

I knew I had to break the ice or I'd forever be that chitthi* that never talks. Believe me when I tell you, the four year old gave me the attitude only deserving of the Prince of Prussia. I tried making friends with him for a good one hour and the bugger refused to even look at my face. Then he stopped being adamant and turned shy instead.
So I changed tactics. I ignored him. I mean, I looked at him and then turned away with an amused smile on my face. Slowly, he got his face out of the pillow and got out of his bed. Then he went and hid behind the door, peeping whenever he heard me speaking to his mom. After about 20 minutes of this, he sneaked up to me, hit my hand, yelled 'hallo' and promptly ran away.
His mom looked at me and she's like, 'He's not a shy kid, wtf is wrong with him?'

After about another hour, he figured I don't bite and came up to me. He grabbed my hand and he goes, 'I have soooo many toys, you can play if you want'. I know this is a total drawn out 'awwww' moment but by now I'm exhausted trying to figure out this kid.
I went with the flow instead and by the end of the evening we became such great friends that he decided he'd abandon his parents.
He dad asked him , 'Who's party are you on? Mummy party or daddy party'.
He's like, 'Illa, chitthi party'.**


*chitthi = aunt
**'Illa, chitti party' - 'No, aunt's party.'

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Stupid is as stupid does.

There is a moment, everyday when I think some people are better off if they simply remained eggs and never had a swimmer get to them. EVERY freaking day.

This other day I was sitting at a bakery and a bunch of college girls walked in. All of them carried these heavy duty smart phones.
Girl 1 : How come you don't use wifi?
Girl 2 (I am not kidding) : What to do...I don't have enough call balance on the phone.

*insert my incredulous expression here*
I choked on my coke and wanted to dunk the rest of it on her empty head.

At this point you must be thinking, 'They were both girls, what did you expect?' Hold on, hold on.

This old friend of mine pings me and half way through the convo..
Him : So what are you working as?
Me : I'm a Network Engineer.
Him : Is it a Call Center?

Wait, what?
Yeah, I quit my job, did a whole bunch of certifications for half a year just to show people the magic of  Internet Explorer. Which part of 'Network Engineer' did he not get?
I swear, had I been with him in person, I would have dug a hole, buried him and hopped a few times on it just to make sure he was good and dead.

This one's by far the most ridiculous one I was subject to. I was in this interview with his chubby guy in a blazer, who was a manager/ AVP/ VP something in this organisation. He asked me a question and I gave him a fairly straight forward answer.
He goes : I want details. I mean, do you dump ingredients directly in a pot when you cook or do you follow a recipe? I want the recipe.
My response?

I. Don't. Cook.

This guy just compared my professional skills to cooking, because I am a girl and I am married. Would he have asked the same question had it been a guy? Bloody stereotypes. 

One of these days, I'm gonna lose it and simply whack someone in the face.

P.S - I did end up getting that job.
P.P.S. - Not only do I cook, I am an excellent cook. Still, the guy got the point.

Friday, December 7, 2012

What the hell is wrong with Indian men?!

Ever since I was old enough to make my choices, (you know, selecting what chutney I want with my idli and what topping I wanted on my ice-cream) I was/ am the object of contempt/ chagrin to many a bald uncle and shiny saree adorned aunty because 'unorthodox' is written all over my name. Of course, I was the one to ask awkward questions, like openly pondering where babies came from or being the one to talk extra loud just because everyone was deeply meditating to an idol. I wouldn't go as far as to call it 'make-believe'. Imagine the kind of storm I'd kick up. Definitely not 'make-believe'. I'm thinking you'll get my point if I say 'make-believe' often enough. 'Make-believe'


My ranting today doesn't have anything to do with bald uncles and shiny aunties.
Picture this, you're at your new job, you're also the only girl in a roomful of guys ( remember those smart choices I was talking about?). Obviously, this doesn't bother you because you've been a neon sign-board all your life. There's a round of introduction and hand-shaking going on. The first guy comes around hand-shaking and you're next. One of these three things happen.

1. He awkwardly retracts his hand 'cos he's too shy/ conservative to shake your hand.
2. He skips you all together.
3. And this one's the worst, he bravely offers his hand, but NEVER all the way.

It's like half a handshake. Don't even talk about eye-contact. Me, being the neon board that I am, thrust my hand out all the way, and this guy grabs only the tips of my fingers and abruptly retracts his hand like I bit him. I wish I had.

You know what I feel like doing at this point?
Run in the opposite direction. Screaming.

Believe it or not, this has happened more times than I can count. No, not the screaming part.
Indian men either put a woman on a pedestal and bow before her, or treat her like a freaking commodity they own. What in the world happened to finding a balance? A stupid effing handshake doesn't amount to physical abuse. And no, we don't bite.

India is a land of many exotic wonders. Indian men, darling, for most part are not one of them*.

*None of this includes my husband. Teeheee! He's adorable. Really.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Of Misters And The Methanol

You know, if I weren't married, I'd probably be that girl bitching about how all my friends are married.

I mean, what is it with women and the need to belong anyway? Half the women I know are married just because the other half are. And the ones that aren't, are usually are getting drunk and cheering in bars because they really have nothing to cheer about.

I'm sorry, was that offensive?


Oh and the string of destructive boyfriends! I asked this particular friend of mine who had a jerk for a boyfriend about why she puts up with his non-sense. Seriously, this guy left her stranded in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the night! Without batting an eyelid, she says, "I love him, we even went to this wedding together."
Really. That's what you're going with? Come on. Come on!

I know I sound silly and oxy-moronic that I'm married and I'm bitching about women that are getting married thinking this is what I'd do if I weren't married but I'm not. Silly that is. I am oxy-moronic.

My head hurts too.

Wait, I know I had a point in there somewhere.
The point is, ladies, don't settle. Don't put up with shit, in the name of love and other non-sense.

If you've been reading so far looking for a profound ending, congratulations. You've only ended up with barf post all the methanol.
I did not need that picture in my head before I went to bed. On that note, bon nuit.

P.S. - Note that I've labelled 'cancer' on this post. Yes, it is that bad.
P.P.S. - I'm also that lazy to look up the correct spelling for 'bon nuit'.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Serotonin AWOL

I've hit rock bottom, once again and there are very very few things that make me want to drag myself out of bed. So I've decided to make list of things I can look back on when I'm left wanting for a silver lining.

1. Sleep it off :
That basically means don't bother getting out of bed in the first place. Come to think of it, it's a plan as good as any.

2. Happy Music :
Vote for song of the month and listen to it on repeat. 
Note to self : This song cannot suck, since my sanity depends on it.
Song for current month : Can't Smile Without you, by Barry Manilow

3. Chocolate :
In all its forms! Being partial towards rum and raisin flavored chocolate is accepted and also expected.
Or a mug of steaming hot chocolate milk, since milk does make up for my calcium quota for the month.

4. Cheesecake :
Need I say more? Serotonin's already peeking from it's hidey hole.

5. TLC :
This one time, I felt super weepy and down. So I went and found my husband. Then I got a blanket and cuddled up to him. He happily obliged and I promptly fell asleep without moving for a few hours. Read point 1 again.

6. Read a good book :
A nice hot cup of chai to go with it won't hurt either. Again, stay away from murders, horrors, zombies and anything else that might be disturbing. 

7. Put off all decisions :
Unless someone's dying,in which case, find someone to make the decision for you. You cant decide what flavor juice you want right now, so making life altering decisions can be, well, life altering.

8. Watch a movie :
And make sure it's something happy. Like Madagascar, or When Harry Met Sally or Despicable Me get my drift. Stick to animations, you can never go wrong.
Works wonders when used in combination with points 3, 4 and 5.

9. Stay away from bright lights and sounds :
It wont do any good to your already messed up head. It's like Alice in Umbrella Corp lock-down in there.

10. If all else fails :
Sit down and have a good cry. Then get up and take a hot bath. The wonders of a nice, hot shower are truly undermined.

Yup. That'll get you through the rest of the day.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

The 'F' Word.


You dirty mind, you.

It doesn't change the fact that it's just as offensive as the other F word.

It my world, every festival includes the following:
* The mad rush to make murukkus, laddus and gulab jamun. Three days in advance.
*Waking up at un-Godly hours those three days.
*Me, inevitably waking up a good 3-4 hours late, all three days.
*Incurring the wrath/ annoyance/ impatience and finally acceptance by my mother-in-law.
*My husband desperately making excuses for me, trying to save his ass and mine.

This happens without fail, on all the two dozen festivals Hindus have every year. In the same exact order.
On the day of the actual festival though, I am always the one wondering what the whole point is.
Does leaving my hair open really cause bad luck? Does not having a bindi on cause problems in my marriage? And why call all the ladies home and give them stuff? What's wrong with the color black? Or white for that matter.
I know the point, but I don't get the logic. It's like a mindless thing I'm used to doing, because we did it forever.
I believe in a lot of things, but then I also don't believe in a lot of things. I know there's a solution, but I don't have the guts to implement it. So I do the only one thing I can, try and balance the situation.
Of course, festivals are an excellent reason for people to come together. I made up on many a failed relationship on account of Diwali, Dusshera and what have you. That final harmony after all the madness is probably the only thing that keeps me going year after year.

When someone said 'ignorance is bliss', they really weren't kidding.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Taedium Vitae *sigh*

So I walked into the kitchen today and was immediately assaulted by this strong smell of guava and camphor. Weird.
Guess what it really was -

Guava and Camphor.

Imagine my surprise.
Yes, I am the genius that states the obvious.

*Lame rant ends*

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Bloody Sparkling Confetti

I remember what I was 17 something, I sat in the office pantry on New Year's eve with two other girls. I was working part time then, my life was fairly simple. My biggest challenge was to get my dad to agree to me getting a mobile phone. I didn't even know what a shopping spree was. I was also super skinny and wanted to put on weight. The good old days! *sigh*

Now where was I..yeah, the office pantry with two other girls. One of them went on to become my best friend. The other one grew up to be extremely insecure and bitchy.
So there we were, late teenagers, spending New Year's eve sitting around with nothing else to do. The bitchy one suggested that we get a cake, I wasn't into cake cutting celebrations, still am not. It's like trying to compensate the lack of everything else. We looked into what we achieved that year (yes, even 17 year olds think they have things to achieve).
So cleared our +2, we got a job (part-time that it was) and we managed to start our graduation at the same time. We still figured that was something missing. Something very important.


Yes, boyfriends were important then. It meant we got to go out a lot. It meant we had a life. I mean, imagine the kind of influences we had. Sheesh!

So that day, we vowed that we would meet at the same place the next year, albeit, with our boyfriends.
I never thought too much of what we discussed that night.
The New Year came and went. We started college with gusto and cleared our first year of graduation with success. We also adjusted fairly well into our new job. I made a new bff and she remains my bff to this day. An eventful year followed and a lot of successes came after. It's funny how our priorities change and how life steers us to directions we never thought we'd go towards. We become different people, our opinions mature. I remember that day very clearly, because, that was the first time I made a habit of reflecting on my life every New year's eve. I plan my year ahead and try to be at a place I want to be.

And oh, just for the record, I did end up partying with my boyfriend on the New Year's eve that followed.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Yeah, let the Sky Fall

Let me put this out there. I love music. And I certainly didn't expect a 23 year old to compose the title of a Bond movie.
But Adele did justice and honestly, I watched the movie twice just to listen to the track (in spite of downloading it and listening to it on repeat). Oh, the familiarity and the newness of it all.

Secondly, why the hell was a guy like Javier Bardem looking like the cat got to him and shook him up?
Bad hair - check
Face in pieces - check
Obsession with rats - check

My expectation from a Bond movie reduced drastically when I heard that Daniel Craig is being cast as Bond, few years ago. He is not the Bond, period. I realize they wanted to get someone with a face that hasn't been branded already, but I don't appreciate Angelina's perennial pout on a guy. His style looks practiced, though that goes to say he did what he could to play Bond convincingly. When I watch Sean Connery or Pierce Brosnan get pally or up close with someone on screen, I WANT to be that person. With Craig? Not so much.
What happened to all the gadgets? I know Q says they don't make exploding pens anymore, but that's what made Bond so much fun. He saved the day using exploding pens and key-chains! Craig only gets a palm-print sensing gun, which he promptly loses and a radio transmitter.
Poor Severine didn't seem to have planned her day very well and ends up dying. Talk about all eggs in one basket. I did like the good agent gone rogue bit, and not because Demi Moore did exactly the same in Charlie's Angels. Yes, I used James Bond and Charlie's Angels in the same context. Sue me, it's just old wine in a different bottle. The old wine is given a lot of importance in the movie anyway with M insisting that the old fashioned ways work best with the enemies that come from the shadows (atleast, that's what I think). Now don't you dare call an old woman 'old'. She'll rinse your mouth with soap.
After all the mouth rinsing and defending the dinosaurs, M actually dies. What the hell! I thought that wasn't the point of this movie. His one mission was to save her and she dies of a freaking bullet to the leg. At this point, I was a little confused. The ending reminded me of Battleship, when they use an old relic to win the war, leaving the relic thoroughly destroyed. But atleast in Battleship, they actually won the battle.

I liked that Bond is portrayed as the rising-from-the-ashes hero and struggles to get though the typical Bond day. It just shows that everyone has skeletons and needs to fight their personal battles. But maybe they humanized him a little too much.
Nevertheless, I grew up listening to how awesome 007 is and probably wouldn't mind sitting though another episode of his awesomeness.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

A little shake, a little jive

You know your social life is a little too active when you hear of earthquakes and tremors on Facebook and not on the news. The minute I logged in to FB, I was flooded (no pun intended) with posts on how everyone in Chennai and B'lore had their world shaken. Some were even rueful that they missed the tremors (they were asleep apparently and thought it was a dream). Morbid.

Still, our Indian neighbors weren't the only ones affected. Infact, Indonesia measured 8.9 on the Richter scale, even the aftershock measured at 8.3. And then everyone claimed there was an earthquake in their city.
So what does this mean? The Mayans got it right? Damn, they shouldn't have made that movie (2012). 'Cause that's all I have running in my mind right now.
Either ways, I hope all my fellow earthlings stay safe. For all we know, it could have just been Rajnikanth's phone on vibration.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Married and happy !

It's not always that a girl gets married off to the man of her dreams, to settle into happy woman-hood (if such a thing exists). Contrary to what people believe, it doesn't change a lot of things.
For one, I still run from massive hugs given out for free by elders. Elders, like my parents, specially my parents.
Now, don't mistake me for a heart-less person, I enjoy hugs, I do. But not once every 7-8 minutes.

My folks came over, the first month after my wedding. By now, me and my husband had started living on our own. So, they came over, I made chai, some dinner while I chatted with them, etc. etc. Its one of those times when your parents feel proud of everything you do, like, how incredible the chai tastes. Or how good I got at making dal and how neat the house is. Every such compliment is succeeded with a big hug from dad. That's too much, even for a daughter who missed her folks terribly.

Then it finally happened, I snapped! It was 6 am and I was woken up by my dog barking. Also, my dad was on the phone, talking so loud, he didn't need the phone at all for the other person to hear him. I woke up with my eyes burning, only to be spotted by my dad. He rushed over, wanting to give me a goooodd-mooorning hug and I panicked! I jumped on the bed, hopped all the way across the 4 poster, jumped down to the floor, tripped over my dog's tail and nearly fell over. I stumbled across the dog and managed to run out of the room. Then, I stood at the door and a thought flashed across my mind, "What did I just do?"

By now, I was more worried about what my dad would feel, did I hurt him? What was he thinking?
Silence, for maybe 15 seconds..and then he burst out laughing. My mom,who was watching all this, cracked up at the same time. They laughed uproariously for about 15 minutes. Then, dad stopped to wipe his tears of mirth and said -
"Come here you!!"
And I sheepishly went to give him that hug he wanted.