8 Ways To Ensure Your Colleagues Hate You.

This post is the result of pure exasperation and helplessness of having to deal with weirdos life has to offer.
I have been working in a corporate environment for the better part of my adult life. From the time I was eighteen, to be precise. Yes, friggin eighteen. That means I have also spent a good part of my life avoiding people because of the creepy vibes they give off, and that, ladies and germs, brings me to the first point.

1) Skunked!
Since we're talking about giving off vibes, here is something that You can give off too - odour. Nothing will make your colleague hate you more than body odour will. If you want to be left well alone or even better completely detoured around, don't shower. Of if you're one of those people that have to, since you sweat excessively, say goodbye to your deo.

2) The Blah.
If you're one of those people that can kind of feel themselves stinking and would rather shower each day, try the jabber mouth approach. Yes, be THAT person. Talk all day, everyday. You don't even have to make any sense. Infact, talk all about yourself, like how you got that brand new car, again. Or how your mom thinks you're the most adorable person or how girls cannot stop swooning over you, or how you kill that workout at the gym. Come on, your life is so exciting, every one deserves to hear all about it.

3) The-I'm-too-good-for-your-face approach.
If you find talking that exhausting, try the opposite approach. Don't talk at all, like each word out of your mouth is worth a dollar. If someone talks to you, give them a stiff smile, if you're feeling too generous, you could also nod. If you're a guy, this will ensure that you're left alone till kingdom come. If you're a girl, a few guys are gonna try twice or thrice. But nothing an icy stare can't fix, right?

4) Muckraker magic
Ensuring someone hates you is a tough job. You need to have a strategy carefully worked out. It might take a little effort initially, but sure is worth the effort. How about this? Find someone, possibly a chick, and get her talking, the more scandalous the information, the better. Best done in the ladies washroom, if you're a girl or a chat at the office pantry if you're a guy. Then, go to his/ her arch rival and leak this bit of information to him/ her. Get this person talking, since you've given them a juicy tidbit already and pass the new information around. Now sit back and watch your handiwork come to a full circle. Oh yeah, you're the office plague now.

5) Suck ups will rule the world!
Every office, every single one, has that one idiot that tries to be the boss's favorite person. While your boss might not really give a shit about you, pretending to be his/her little elf goes a long way. Carry her bag, or bring him home-cooked lunch. Pass on little nuggets about your co-workers. Betty-big-nose attended a job interview? The boss's gotta know. Mr.Goody-two-shoes was out drinking when he was supposed to be home sick, how about a picture of his drunk face on the boss's desk? You will be hated so much, the devil will sympathize with you.

6) I see you. No, I dont.
Try this - Establish eye contact. Now, slowly look away. Do not smile, do not nod, do not acknowledge. It's human to smile on eye contact and the poor bloke that you look at, will. You're messing with human expectations, gettit? This method requires the least effort, with maximum benefit. You are now the official corporate creep.

7) 'Cos you're feeling good
Intrude everyone's personal space. Be the touchy-feely slime bag. Pat women lightly on their hands, feel men up their back and shoulders. Make people want to back away when they see you coming. Be careful though, there's a good chance you might be thrown out for sexual harassment first.

8) Broke is my middle name
It's never good to pay for your food, right? The right time to get someone to pay for you is when they're ordering the food. Go "Hey, watchu ordering? I'm starving." or "Man, I haven't eaten all day". Make their obligation to order for you quite clear. Or simply join their table and start picking out their food while they eat. Nothing will make them hate you more.

If none of the above ideas work, admit it. You're an extremely likable person and you are doomed for life.

I have at some point met each of these characters in my professional life and have learnt excellent maneuvering skills. And believe me, these people in all reality do exist.

Making the world a better place, one weirdo at a time.


<< /end rant >>

Bloody, Sparkling Confetti - Part 3

This post has been looong pending.
I've somehow kept up over the last two years with updating what I did/ didn't do for the New Year's eve. I gotta say, the welcoming of New Year 2014 has been the best yet. Why, you ask? Lets go over a quick check list.

Partied away from my home city? - Check
Partied all night? - Check
Kick-ass fireworks when the clock stuck 12? - Check
Hugged the love of your life at 12? - Check
Danced till 6 am? - Check

There were a few side affects to all this of course. Hubby had to fend off all the men and ladies *gasp* hitting on me the whole time. But considering that we were in Goa, everything that happens there is the new 'normal'. Then, there was this horrible aching in my feet the whole of that week, and returning to work was a terrible ordeal in itself.

When I look back at the Part 2 of this post, I am not very surprised at how morbid I sounded a year ago. Miserable that I felt, I did move on. The world is a bad place and there is little space for the honest to live in. But that does not mean we give up. We fight the good fight and hope for the best. There are still days where I feel I've hit rock bottom but I look around and see the ones I love. That is reason enough to wake up everyday and give it another shot.

2013 has been a year of successes and let downs, just like every year. And so, that is exactly what I am prepared for this year as well. After all, what is life without some sugar and spice? Though, as an after thought - more of sugar, less of spice please, thanks very much.

P.S. - I still can't get over how grown-up I sound!

Hell's Chicken.

There are three kinds of people in this world.

The ones that see you're in shit and help you.
The ones that say 'fuck you' to your face.
And the ones make you think they're helping you but in reality just sitting on their plush behinds.

I had the immense privilege of experiencing the third kind recently. They hold the carrot right under your nose. They assure you in all ways that the job IS getting done. Some even go to the extent to asking you not to do anything that might jeopardize their efforts. Sneaky they are. The third kind.

Since I have had the pleasure of dealing with such a person recently, I found an effective way to deal with them. Gentle reminders don't work. Harsh reminders don't work. Following up doesn't work. Pretending to be pissed with them doesn't work either. Trust me, pretending to be pissed part works beautifully for me otherwise.
You either pull out a bigger carrot to hang it under their nose. Or you light a fire under their ass and let it burn. Carrots, brinjals and all.

Me being me, couldn't bother with the bigger carrot. So I went with the fire instead. Ah! The sight of burning balls...err...brinjals..err..carrots..I seem to have lost focus but you get the point.

Of course part of the lesson is that you don't go back to the same person for help again, no matter how much they want to pretend to be helping you.

Like they say, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you better pray for an extinguisher and run.




P.S. This post has nothing to do with it's title.

In Retrospect.

I've made quite a few drastic changes in my life. That includes, but is not limited to my job.

As I sat at my desk, pondering over yet another client's network that took the plunge, I thought to myself, "This job is no fun", when infact I spent the better part of last year, trying to get this job.

Of course, this job is no fun. It's 2 in the am and there's barely a soul at work.

People, I realized  are what mattered. You could be a deckhand for all you care, but the job is more fun if you had some nasty sailors to whom you can bitch about it.

Also, I realized belatedly, people are not easy to find if you change your job every year or so. And therein lies my problem.
Now that I've got that out, I'm going back to figure out why a perfectly good network decided to purge in a live production environment.

The incongruity of it all.

Stupid is as stupid does.

There is a moment, everyday when I think some people are better off if they simply remained eggs and never had a swimmer get to them. EVERY freaking day.

This other day I was sitting at a bakery and a bunch of college girls walked in. All of them carried these heavy duty smart phones.
Girl 1 : How come you don't use wifi?
Girl 2 (I am not kidding) : What to do...I don't have enough call balance on the phone.

*insert my incredulous expression here*
I choked on my coke and wanted to dunk the rest of it on her empty head.

At this point you must be thinking, 'They were both girls, what did you expect?' Hold on, hold on.

This old friend of mine pings me and half way through the convo..
Him : So what are you working as?
Me : I'm a Network Engineer.
Him : Is it a Call Center?

Wait, what?
Yeah, I quit my job, did a whole bunch of certifications for half a year just to show people the magic of  Internet Explorer. Which part of 'Network Engineer' did he not get?
I swear, had I been with him in person, I would have dug a hole, buried him and hopped a few times on it just to make sure he was good and dead.


This one's by far the most ridiculous one I was subject to. I was in this interview with his chubby guy in a blazer, who was a manager/ AVP/ VP something in this organisation. He asked me a question and I gave him a fairly straight forward answer.
He goes : I want details. I mean, do you dump ingredients directly in a pot when you cook or do you follow a recipe? I want the recipe.
My response?

I. Don't. Cook.

This guy just compared my professional skills to cooking, because I am a girl and I am married. Would he have asked the same question had it been a guy? Bloody stereotypes. 

One of these days, I'm gonna lose it and simply whack someone in the face.


P.S - I did end up getting that job.
P.P.S. - Not only do I cook, I am an excellent cook. Still, the guy got the point.

What the hell is wrong with Indian men?!

Ever since I was old enough to make my choices, (you know, selecting what chutney I want with my idli and what topping I wanted on my ice-cream) I was/ am the object of contempt/ chagrin to many a bald uncle and shiny saree adorned aunty because 'unorthodox' is written all over my name. Of course, I was the one to ask awkward questions, like openly pondering where babies came from or being the one to talk extra loud just because everyone was deeply meditating to an idol. I wouldn't go as far as to call it 'make-believe'. Imagine the kind of storm I'd kick up. Definitely not 'make-believe'. I'm thinking you'll get my point if I say 'make-believe' often enough. 'Make-believe'

Anyways.

My ranting today doesn't have anything to do with bald uncles and shiny aunties.
Picture this, you're at your new job, you're also the only girl in a roomful of guys ( remember those smart choices I was talking about?). Obviously, this doesn't bother you because you've been a neon sign-board all your life. There's a round of introduction and hand-shaking going on. The first guy comes around hand-shaking and you're next. One of these three things happen.

1. He awkwardly retracts his hand 'cos he's too shy/ conservative to shake your hand.
2. He skips you all together.
3. And this one's the worst, he bravely offers his hand, but NEVER all the way.

It's like half a handshake. Don't even talk about eye-contact. Me, being the neon board that I am, thrust my hand out all the way, and this guy grabs only the tips of my fingers and abruptly retracts his hand like I bit him. I wish I had.

You know what I feel like doing at this point?
Run in the opposite direction. Screaming.

Believe it or not, this has happened more times than I can count. No, not the screaming part.
Indian men either put a woman on a pedestal and bow before her, or treat her like a freaking commodity they own. What in the world happened to finding a balance? A stupid effing handshake doesn't amount to physical abuse. And no, we don't bite.

India is a land of many exotic wonders. Indian men, darling, for most part are not one of them*.


*None of this includes my husband. Teeheee! He's adorable. Really.

Bloody Sparkling Confetti

I remember what I was 17 something, I sat in the office pantry on New Year's eve with two other girls. I was working part time then, my life was fairly simple. My biggest challenge was to get my dad to agree to me getting a mobile phone. I didn't even know what a shopping spree was. I was also super skinny and wanted to put on weight. The good old days! *sigh*

Now where was I..yeah, the office pantry with two other girls. One of them went on to become my best friend. The other one grew up to be extremely insecure and bitchy.
So there we were, late teenagers, spending New Year's eve sitting around with nothing else to do. The bitchy one suggested that we get a cake, I wasn't into cake cutting celebrations, still am not. It's like trying to compensate the lack of everything else. We looked into what we achieved that year (yes, even 17 year olds think they have things to achieve).
So cleared our +2, we got a job (part-time that it was) and we managed to start our graduation at the same time. We still figured that was something missing. Something very important.

Boyfriends.

Yes, boyfriends were important then. It meant we got to go out a lot. It meant we had a life. I mean, imagine the kind of influences we had. Sheesh!

So that day, we vowed that we would meet at the same place the next year, albeit, with our boyfriends.
I never thought too much of what we discussed that night.
The New Year came and went. We started college with gusto and cleared our first year of graduation with success. We also adjusted fairly well into our new job. I made a new bff and she remains my bff to this day. An eventful year followed and a lot of successes came after. It's funny how our priorities change and how life steers us to directions we never thought we'd go towards. We become different people, our opinions mature. I remember that day very clearly, because, that was the first time I made a habit of reflecting on my life every New year's eve. I plan my year ahead and try to be at a place I want to be.

And oh, just for the record, I did end up partying with my boyfriend on the New Year's eve that followed.

Over cooked maggie and blogging

After reading a few hundred blogs posted by random folk, I figured, well, this isn't so bad after all.
Here's how I came about this un-usual miracle.

For years now, I had maintained a journal of sorts on my PC, hidden under a folder-under-folder-under folder. I always wrote my everyday updates in there and was horrified by the idea of someone reading it. Nevertheless, it included a lot of name calling, so everyone's better off not reading it.
I remember opening a blog page with no enthusiasm anyway and my first post happened like ages ago. Boring.
So I sat at my desk considering all possible ways of killing/ murdering time (I've thought and executed several ideas like junk-eating, staring off at my screen, staring off into space, looking at my schedule several times, playing with yellow sponge ball and what not), when I finally decided, "its time."
But wait, a girl's gotta eat first.
Well, Sunday being Sunday, the whole world, inculding my office cafeteria thinks morons like me who work on weekends dont need to eat. The only thing even remotely edible that can be eaten was - Maggie noodles.
Now there are several ads and people who are willing vouch that maggie can be the yummiest fast food in time of need. I beg to differ, I'm sick of it. I think it tastes like salted batter at times, but hey, beggars cant really be choosers.
So went down, got the Maggie-making guy to make some for me.
"Thoda juicy banana" I told him, he looked at me like I asked him to donate his virginity. And no, "banana" here doesnt mean the fruit metaphor, I meant "banana" in Hindi as in "make".
He gave me a half-smile and proceeded to add a bowlful of water to the already cooked maggie. Ugh !
I came back to my desk and opened the I've-forgotten-this-blog-and-am-never-gonna-open-it-again page once more. Lo-behold ! Here I am.
Half way through the over-cooked maggie, I decided I cant eat this crap anymore but it got me through my almost-first blog. Ha!

Done for now and hopefully, I'll be back soon to follow-up on this.