We Indians Are SO Weird!

So I was scrolling through my FB timeline in the usual mindless fashion and I came across this post one of my 'friends' copied. So, I have no shame re-copying it and am in fact glad this exists.

Points to note that ALL Indians do/ believe in. I am guilty of most of these, some as recent as today!

1. Every Indian bachelor wants to marry a fair girl.

2. When the doorbell rings, a male or kid goes to open the door. But the female runs for her dupatta.

3. Picking up/dropping a relative (airport / railway station) is an important family affair.

4. We thrive on street food and we don't get sick.

5. Every Indian mother has 2 careers - Working / Housewife + Match Making.

6. We have all had secret boyfriends / girlfriends. We don’t care about them cheating on us but we dread getting caught by each others parents.

7. Indian girls have 3 type of brothers. Real brother, Cousin brother, Rakhee brother.

8. The bride must cry at her Vidai. She has no business looking happy.

9. We go on cleaning sprees only during Diwali or when we have guests coming over.

10. However old we are, our parents need to know every detail of our schedule. Daily. No excuses. No exemption.

11. When Indian parents buy tickets, every child becomes under 12. Getting a half ticket is a huge victory!

12. If we live in another city and don't call our Mom daily , she’ll freak out and call all our friends to make sure we are alive.

13. We get embarrassed in front of our parents even when the word “sex” is written on a Form to specify gender.

14. No other nationality can beat Indians in bargaining. “Chalo bhaiya . Na tera na mera. Itne paise theek hain.”

15. Doesn't matter if we are Convent educated. When we are actually angry, we switch to highly effective, dirty, swear words in our mother tongue.

16. We spend more time talking to guests at the door when they are leaving than while sitting in the living room.

17. Why to change the remote batteries when you can just slap the shit out of the remote and make it work?

18. Meeting a person with the same surname is like finding a long lost twin

So true, innit? Again, this isn't my writing and exists mainly due to the miracle of Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V

P.S. If the original author reads this, let me know, I will be happy to link it to your original piece.

HIMYM - Read 'How The Show Got Massacred'

Never did I think I would rant about how a TV show ends. But hey, stranger things happen everyday.
To the creators of the show - Why would you do that to Ted Mosby? More importantly, why would you do that to us?
You make us wait for years. You name the show after the effing Mother and then you go and KILL her? I am majorly disappointed. And I did the Ted-Robin 'majorly disappointed' salute just now.

That's how much the show got to us.

The entire of the last season has been exasperating, just barely peppered with a few good moments. The only reason I kept watching it is just to obtain a sense of closure. It's like a car-wreck. You hate that it happened, but you can't look away.

And all the going back and forth between time lines, ADHD anyone? Ted going back to Robin is the worst idea ever. What do they think is going to happen? Robin will tour all over the world again, and Ted, being the incessant pain in the ass will get all whiny about it and then whine-dial Lily to complain. Thank God we don't have to watch that.
Also, he has just told his children that it is okay to sleep around, develop commitment issues, run away when you're uncomfortable, live like a doormat, shop till you are severely in debt and still expect the other person to stick around. If it's meant to be, all crappy behavior on your part is okay.  It is also okay to hook up with the other person if they do all this to you. That, I find masochistic.
Barney has a daughter, and goes all saint-like. After sleeping with 31 women in a month, no less. Someone then thought it was okay to have him call out the two girls in the bar, asking them to cover-up and call their parents. The same girls he took advantage of, over and over again. He seems to have forgotten those girls were somebody's daughters too. How about he call out the men picking up girls instead and teach them to treat women well? Also, New York seems to have blue french horns lying around, waiting to be bestowed upon emotionally unavailable, but needy women.

I know, I know. It is just a show.

It is, and I sat through ALL of it, hoping for a better ending. Honestly, though I didn't like the mother initially, I grew to like her. It is only natural that I get pissed off when she dies with no explanation. What is this mysterious illness you speak of?  Go talk to the writers of 'FRIENDS' before you end a show next time.

Now, here's what I liked about the end -

Lily and Marshall remained awesome.
I loved the little talk Ted and Tracy have under the yellow umbrella.
Robin's career finally takes off.
Ted seems totally okay with grey hair.

Yeah, that's it. Rest of the episode had me rolling my eyes for the most part. At the least, we can all now rest in peace and move on to the next overly-hyped TV show.

8 Ways To Ensure Your Colleagues Hate You.

This post is the result of pure exasperation and helplessness of having to deal with weirdos life has to offer.
I have been working in a corporate environment for the better part of my adult life. From the time I was eighteen, to be precise. Yes, friggin eighteen. That means I have also spent a good part of my life avoiding people because of the creepy vibes they give off, and that, ladies and germs, brings me to the first point.

1) Skunked!
Since we're talking about giving off vibes, here is something that You can give off too - odour. Nothing will make your colleague hate you more than body odour will. If you want to be left well alone or even better completely detoured around, don't shower. Of if you're one of those people that have to, since you sweat excessively, say goodbye to your deo.

2) The Blah.
If you're one of those people that can kind of feel themselves stinking and would rather shower each day, try the jabber mouth approach. Yes, be THAT person. Talk all day, everyday. You don't even have to make any sense. Infact, talk all about yourself, like how you got that brand new car, again. Or how your mom thinks you're the most adorable person or how girls cannot stop swooning over you, or how you kill that workout at the gym. Come on, your life is so exciting, every one deserves to hear all about it.

3) The-I'm-too-good-for-your-face approach.
If you find talking that exhausting, try the opposite approach. Don't talk at all, like each word out of your mouth is worth a dollar. If someone talks to you, give them a stiff smile, if you're feeling too generous, you could also nod. If you're a guy, this will ensure that you're left alone till kingdom come. If you're a girl, a few guys are gonna try twice or thrice. But nothing an icy stare can't fix, right?

4) Muckraker magic
Ensuring someone hates you is a tough job. You need to have a strategy carefully worked out. It might take a little effort initially, but sure is worth the effort. How about this? Find someone, possibly a chick, and get her talking, the more scandalous the information, the better. Best done in the ladies washroom, if you're a girl or a chat at the office pantry if you're a guy. Then, go to his/ her arch rival and leak this bit of information to him/ her. Get this person talking, since you've given them a juicy tidbit already and pass the new information around. Now sit back and watch your handiwork come to a full circle. Oh yeah, you're the office plague now.

5) Suck ups will rule the world!
Every office, every single one, has that one idiot that tries to be the boss's favorite person. While your boss might not really give a shit about you, pretending to be his/her little elf goes a long way. Carry her bag, or bring him home-cooked lunch. Pass on little nuggets about your co-workers. Betty-big-nose attended a job interview? The boss's gotta know. Mr.Goody-two-shoes was out drinking when he was supposed to be home sick, how about a picture of his drunk face on the boss's desk? You will be hated so much, the devil will sympathize with you.

6) I see you. No, I dont.
Try this - Establish eye contact. Now, slowly look away. Do not smile, do not nod, do not acknowledge. It's human to smile on eye contact and the poor bloke that you look at, will. You're messing with human expectations, gettit? This method requires the least effort, with maximum benefit. You are now the official corporate creep.

7) 'Cos you're feeling good
Intrude everyone's personal space. Be the touchy-feely slime bag. Pat women lightly on their hands, feel men up their back and shoulders. Make people want to back away when they see you coming. Be careful though, there's a good chance you might be thrown out for sexual harassment first.

8) Broke is my middle name
It's never good to pay for your food, right? The right time to get someone to pay for you is when they're ordering the food. Go "Hey, watchu ordering? I'm starving." or "Man, I haven't eaten all day". Make their obligation to order for you quite clear. Or simply join their table and start picking out their food while they eat. Nothing will make them hate you more.

If none of the above ideas work, admit it. You're an extremely likable person and you are doomed for life.

I have at some point met each of these characters in my professional life and have learnt excellent maneuvering skills. And believe me, these people in all reality do exist.

Making the world a better place, one weirdo at a time.


<< /end rant >>

In Retrospect.

I've made quite a few drastic changes in my life. That includes, but is not limited to my job.

As I sat at my desk, pondering over yet another client's network that took the plunge, I thought to myself, "This job is no fun", when infact I spent the better part of last year, trying to get this job.

Of course, this job is no fun. It's 2 in the am and there's barely a soul at work.

People, I realized  are what mattered. You could be a deckhand for all you care, but the job is more fun if you had some nasty sailors to whom you can bitch about it.

Also, I realized belatedly, people are not easy to find if you change your job every year or so. And therein lies my problem.
Now that I've got that out, I'm going back to figure out why a perfectly good network decided to purge in a live production environment.

The incongruity of it all.

Bloody Sparkling Confetti - Part 2

It's 2013 now. Everywhere I turn there are happy, shiny, positive blogs, vlogs and videos. Here I am thinking another year bites the dust and the world is not better off because of it.
The year ended on such a depressing, angry note. I am surprised there are people in our country that still wanted to celebrate, in spite of all that happened. This made me realise two things.

People are selfish and they forget.
A new year doesn't mean a damn thing.

How many times have you stopped at the scene of an accident/ atrocity/ injustice and actually helped instead of simply standing there and gawking? I'll be honest here. I never stop to gawk and sometimes( and I only mean sometimes) I stop to help. If I think it's within my capacity. I have strong feelings of outrage and more often than not, I try to do things the right way. Sadly, I can't say this of everyone I know.
Even till this day, the chai wallah gives me a once over. So does the auto wallah and every human at work that boasts of a phallus. So, nothing's changed in that regard.

I feel extremely morbid. There's no light at the end of the tunnel. It's just a long winding tunnel that gets darker every second. The light you see is probably some prick holding a rod to knock you out.

We are the same people, with the same jobs and the same lives. What's to celebrate? It's just a reason for people to booze, enterprises to earn money and businesses to make fools out of the gullible.

It's been a while since I saw a genuinely nice gesture from another human. Something like this.
This NEVER happens. Humanity as we know it, is dead..or dying. Same difference.

As for me, I spent New Year's at home. With family and friends. I slept shortly after the clock struck 12.
I woke up on the 1st and went to work.
I can only hope this world starts to become a better place this year. You know how all the beauty pageant contestants ask for "world peace" when they win the crown or something? It sounds so shallow when we hear it, but I get that now. From the bottom of my heart, that's all I want this year.

Peace.

Stupid is as stupid does.

There is a moment, everyday when I think some people are better off if they simply remained eggs and never had a swimmer get to them. EVERY freaking day.

This other day I was sitting at a bakery and a bunch of college girls walked in. All of them carried these heavy duty smart phones.
Girl 1 : How come you don't use wifi?
Girl 2 (I am not kidding) : What to do...I don't have enough call balance on the phone.

*insert my incredulous expression here*
I choked on my coke and wanted to dunk the rest of it on her empty head.

At this point you must be thinking, 'They were both girls, what did you expect?' Hold on, hold on.

This old friend of mine pings me and half way through the convo..
Him : So what are you working as?
Me : I'm a Network Engineer.
Him : Is it a Call Center?

Wait, what?
Yeah, I quit my job, did a whole bunch of certifications for half a year just to show people the magic of  Internet Explorer. Which part of 'Network Engineer' did he not get?
I swear, had I been with him in person, I would have dug a hole, buried him and hopped a few times on it just to make sure he was good and dead.


This one's by far the most ridiculous one I was subject to. I was in this interview with his chubby guy in a blazer, who was a manager/ AVP/ VP something in this organisation. He asked me a question and I gave him a fairly straight forward answer.
He goes : I want details. I mean, do you dump ingredients directly in a pot when you cook or do you follow a recipe? I want the recipe.
My response?

I. Don't. Cook.

This guy just compared my professional skills to cooking, because I am a girl and I am married. Would he have asked the same question had it been a guy? Bloody stereotypes. 

One of these days, I'm gonna lose it and simply whack someone in the face.


P.S - I did end up getting that job.
P.P.S. - Not only do I cook, I am an excellent cook. Still, the guy got the point.

Taedium Vitae *sigh*

So I walked into the kitchen today and was immediately assaulted by this strong smell of guava and camphor. Weird.
Guess what it really was -

Guava and Camphor.

Imagine my surprise.
Yes, I am the genius that states the obvious.

*Lame rant ends*

A little shake, a little jive

You know your social life is a little too active when you hear of earthquakes and tremors on Facebook and not on the news. The minute I logged in to FB, I was flooded (no pun intended) with posts on how everyone in Chennai and B'lore had their world shaken. Some were even rueful that they missed the tremors (they were asleep apparently and thought it was a dream). Morbid.

Still, our Indian neighbors weren't the only ones affected. Infact, Indonesia measured 8.9 on the Richter scale, even the aftershock measured at 8.3. And then everyone claimed there was an earthquake in their city.
So what does this mean? The Mayans got it right? Damn, they shouldn't have made that movie (2012). 'Cause that's all I have running in my mind right now.
Either ways, I hope all my fellow earthlings stay safe. For all we know, it could have just been Rajnikanth's phone on vibration.