Wednesday, February 25, 2015

I'm 27! Or 28? Fuck.

This is going to be one whiny post. If you're that person who's always happy and shiny, please excuse yourself from this page. Also, please see a shrink.

Today is my birthday, 26th or 27th one I think. I stopped counting when I turned 19. True to being a Pisces, I've always hated attention, even if it came on my birthday. Each time, I would struggle to hide away and have a quiet celebration at home or go out with only a select set of people I'm very comfortable with. I mean, to me it's just another day. I existed yesterday, I will exist today and I will tomorrow as well, so what's all the fuss about? That's always my take on birthdays.

Until now.

For the first time, I was well and truly alone when the clock struck 12 (no, my family did not abandon me, I moved to a different country). There was no one I could sit with and bitch about the previous year. In person at least, my phone on the other hand was having violent seizures.

Birthdays are special people. It is the day you came into being. The cause for all the effect. It's needs to be celebrated. Not super extravagantly or anything, unless you're into that kind of thing. If nothing, at least have a pity party and a quiet drink. Like I did. And then write about it.

Like I did.

If you're lucky, you may actually have the strength to get through the day without feeling the pressure to make it amazing. Special only in your heart and in the hearts of those who matter.

As for me, today, for the first time, I feel alone.

So alone.

P.S. I know it's just a state of mind blah, blah, yada, yada. I get to have the feels once in a while, ok?

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Bloody, Sparkling Confetti - Part 4

In accordance to the long standing tradition, New Year 2015 warrants another post on what I did on the eve of December 31st 2014. If you're wondering what I'm going on about, read this, this and this.
That being said, I won't blame you if you don't. I'm surprised you're even here, reading this non-sense.

So yeah, we made massive plans, given this could be my last NYE in India for a while, but more on that later.
This time, I had no sense of morbidity like in NYE 2013. Remember the whole rape-epidemic that started late 2012 in India and is still an on-going fight? I do not say this lightly, but it destroyed year 2013 for me. Everywhere I turned there was more hell for women kind. Yeah, I'm a little sensitive but it's no simple first world problem.

Anywhoo, I got though the negativity, bounced back and focused on my life and 2013 got easier as it ended. NYE 2014 was a blast.
NYE 2015 is really nothing to write home about. We went to yet another party at a popular resort, danced the night away. The music was truly epic and that's all I ever need. I wasn't drunk, so probably must be getting old.

At some point, I was just going through the motions, not living in the moment and just waiting for something to happen. Things just don't have that lasting impression on me anymore. I was looking for that one moment when the night would turn into something special.

So what did I learn this NYE? Big celebrations don't matter. Ad-mist all the noise and revelry, the tiny, tiny moment when you hug your partner (assuming you're in a relationship, and a happy one at that) or your friend is what matters. I remember a time when it was nothing short of mandatory to celebrate all major life events in a grand way. These days, I just want to be with the people I love. That's grand enough for me.

Yup, I really am turning into a wise old hag. I learnt that too.

P.S. - If you didn't realise already, NYE = New Year's Eve. Idjit.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Apostrophe Apocalypse.

What is with people using an apostrophe for plural words?
It's everywhere - social media, emails and even professional resumes, I kid you not!

When in doubt, google the damn thing. Don't just add an apostrophe by default, it doesn't make everything grammatically correct. 

Excerpt from a brilliant resume -

"SPOC for all agent's and manager's spread across 16 countries spread in 4 major location's"

I am not even talking about the chronic absence of the commas in this sentence. That validates a different post altogether.

In honor of all these idiots..I'll just leave this image right here.


Image source :

Sunday, June 15, 2014

We Indians Are SO Weird!

So I was scrolling through my FB timeline in the usual mindless fashion and I came across this post one of my 'friends' copied. So, I have no shame re-copying it and am in fact glad this exists.

Points to note that ALL Indians do/ believe in. I am guilty of most of these, some as recent as today!

1. Every Indian bachelor wants to marry a fair girl.

2. When the doorbell rings, a male or kid goes to open the door. But the female runs for her dupatta.

3. Picking up/dropping a relative (airport / railway station) is an important family affair.

4. We thrive on street food and we don't get sick.

5. Every Indian mother has 2 careers - Working / Housewife + Match Making.

6. We have all had secret boyfriends / girlfriends. We don’t care about them cheating on us but we dread getting caught by each others parents.

7. Indian girls have 3 type of brothers. Real brother, Cousin brother, Rakhee brother.

8. The bride must cry at her Vidai. She has no business looking happy.

9. We go on cleaning sprees only during Diwali or when we have guests coming over.

10. However old we are, our parents need to know every detail of our schedule. Daily. No excuses. No exemption.

11. When Indian parents buy tickets, every child becomes under 12. Getting a half ticket is a huge victory!

12. If we live in another city and don't call our Mom daily , she’ll freak out and call all our friends to make sure we are alive.

13. We get embarrassed in front of our parents even when the word “sex” is written on a Form to specify gender.

14. No other nationality can beat Indians in bargaining. “Chalo bhaiya . Na tera na mera. Itne paise theek hain.”

15. Doesn't matter if we are Convent educated. When we are actually angry, we switch to highly effective, dirty, swear words in our mother tongue.

16. We spend more time talking to guests at the door when they are leaving than while sitting in the living room.

17. Why to change the remote batteries when you can just slap the shit out of the remote and make it work?

18. Meeting a person with the same surname is like finding a long lost twin

So true, innit? Again, this isn't my writing and exists mainly due to the miracle of Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V

P.S. If the original author reads this, let me know, I will be happy to link it to your original piece.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

HIMYM - Read 'How The Show Got Massacred'

Never did I think I would rant about how a TV show ends. But hey, stranger things happen everyday.
To the creators of the show - Why would you do that to Ted Mosby? More importantly, why would you do that to us?
You make us wait for years. You name the show after the effing Mother and then you go and KILL her? I am majorly disappointed. And I did the Ted-Robin 'majorly disappointed' salute just now.

That's how much the show got to us.

The entire of the last season has been exasperating, just barely peppered with a few good moments. The only reason I kept watching it is just to obtain a sense of closure. It's like a car-wreck. You hate that it happened, but you can't look away.

And all the going back and forth between time lines, ADHD anyone? Ted going back to Robin is the worst idea ever. What do they think is going to happen? Robin will tour all over the world again, and Ted, being the incessant pain in the ass will get all whiny about it and then whine-dial Lily to complain. Thank God we don't have to watch that.
Also, he has just told his children that it is okay to sleep around, develop commitment issues, run away when you're uncomfortable, live like a doormat, shop till you are severely in debt and still expect the other person to stick around. If it's meant to be, all crappy behavior on your part is okay.  It is also okay to hook up with the other person if they do all this to you. That, I find masochistic.
Barney has a daughter, and goes all saint-like. After sleeping with 31 women in a month, no less. Someone then thought it was okay to have him call out the two girls in the bar, asking them to cover-up and call their parents. The same girls he took advantage of, over and over again. He seems to have forgotten those girls were somebody's daughters too. How about he call out the men picking up girls instead and teach them to treat women well? Also, New York seems to have blue french horns lying around, waiting to be bestowed upon emotionally unavailable, but needy women.

I know, I know. It is just a show.

It is, and I sat through ALL of it, hoping for a better ending. Honestly, though I didn't like the mother initially, I grew to like her. It is only natural that I get pissed off when she dies with no explanation. What is this mysterious illness you speak of?  Go talk to the writers of 'FRIENDS' before you end a show next time.

Now, here's what I liked about the end -

Lily and Marshall remained awesome.
I loved the little talk Ted and Tracy have under the yellow umbrella.
Robin's career finally takes off.
Ted seems totally okay with grey hair.

Yeah, that's it. Rest of the episode had me rolling my eyes for the most part. At the least, we can all now rest in peace and move on to the next overly-hyped TV show.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

8 Ways To Ensure Your Colleagues Hate You.

This post is the result of pure exasperation and helplessness of having to deal with weirdos life has to offer.
I have been working in a corporate environment for the better part of my adult life. From the time I was eighteen, to be precise. Yes, friggin eighteen. That means I have also spent a good part of my life avoiding people because of the creepy vibes they give off, and that, ladies and germs, brings me to the first point.

1) Skunked!
Since we're talking about giving off vibes, here is something that You can give off too - odour. Nothing will make your colleague hate you more than body odour will. If you want to be left well alone or even better completely detoured around, don't shower. Of if you're one of those people that have to, since you sweat excessively, say goodbye to your deo.

2) The Blah.
If you're one of those people that can kind of feel themselves stinking and would rather shower each day, try the jabber mouth approach. Yes, be THAT person. Talk all day, everyday. You don't even have to make any sense. Infact, talk all about yourself, like how you got that brand new car, again. Or how your mom thinks you're the most adorable person or how girls cannot stop swooning over you, or how you kill that workout at the gym. Come on, your life is so exciting, every one deserves to hear all about it.

3) The-I'm-too-good-for-your-face approach.
If you find talking that exhausting, try the opposite approach. Don't talk at all, like each word out of your mouth is worth a dollar. If someone talks to you, give them a stiff smile, if you're feeling too generous, you could also nod. If you're a guy, this will ensure that you're left alone till kingdom come. If you're a girl, a few guys are gonna try twice or thrice. But nothing an icy stare can't fix, right?

4) Muckraker magic
Ensuring someone hates you is a tough job. You need to have a strategy carefully worked out. It might take a little effort initially, but sure is worth the effort. How about this? Find someone, possibly a chick, and get her talking, the more scandalous the information, the better. Best done in the ladies washroom, if you're a girl or a chat at the office pantry if you're a guy. Then, go to his/ her arch rival and leak this bit of information to him/ her. Get this person talking, since you've given them a juicy tidbit already and pass the new information around. Now sit back and watch your handiwork come to a full circle. Oh yeah, you're the office plague now.

5) Suck ups will rule the world!
Every office, every single one, has that one idiot that tries to be the boss's favorite person. While your boss might not really give a shit about you, pretending to be his/her little elf goes a long way. Carry her bag, or bring him home-cooked lunch. Pass on little nuggets about your co-workers. Betty-big-nose attended a job interview? The boss's gotta know. Mr.Goody-two-shoes was out drinking when he was supposed to be home sick, how about a picture of his drunk face on the boss's desk? You will be hated so much, the devil will sympathize with you.

6) I see you. No, I dont.
Try this - Establish eye contact. Now, slowly look away. Do not smile, do not nod, do not acknowledge. It's human to smile on eye contact and the poor bloke that you look at, will. You're messing with human expectations, gettit? This method requires the least effort, with maximum benefit. You are now the official corporate creep.

7) 'Cos you're feeling good
Intrude everyone's personal space. Be the touchy-feely slime bag. Pat women lightly on their hands, feel men up their back and shoulders. Make people want to back away when they see you coming. Be careful though, there's a good chance you might be thrown out for sexual harassment first.

8) Broke is my middle name
It's never good to pay for your food, right? The right time to get someone to pay for you is when they're ordering the food. Go "Hey, watchu ordering? I'm starving." or "Man, I haven't eaten all day". Make their obligation to order for you quite clear. Or simply join their table and start picking out their food while they eat. Nothing will make them hate you more.

If none of the above ideas work, admit it. You're an extremely likable person and you are doomed for life.

I have at some point met each of these characters in my professional life and have learnt excellent maneuvering skills. And believe me, these people in all reality do exist.

Making the world a better place, one weirdo at a time.

<< /end rant >>

Monday, February 17, 2014

Bloody, Sparkling Confetti - Part 3

This post has been looong pending.
I've somehow kept up over the last two years with updating what I did/ didn't do for the New Year's eve. I gotta say, the welcoming of New Year 2014 has been the best yet. Why, you ask? Lets go over a quick check list.

Partied away from my home city? - Check
Partied all night? - Check
Kick-ass fireworks when the clock stuck 12? - Check
Hugged the love of your life at 12? - Check
Danced till 6 am? - Check

There were a few side affects to all this of course. Hubby had to fend off all the men and ladies *gasp* hitting on me the whole time. But considering that we were in Goa, everything that happens there is the new 'normal'. Then, there was this horrible aching in my feet the whole of that week, and returning to work was a terrible ordeal in itself.

When I look back at the Part 2 of this post, I am not very surprised at how morbid I sounded a year ago. Miserable that I felt, I did move on. The world is a bad place and there is little space for the honest to live in. But that does not mean we give up. We fight the good fight and hope for the best. There are still days where I feel I've hit rock bottom but I look around and see the ones I love. That is reason enough to wake up everyday and give it another shot.

2013 has been a year of successes and let downs, just like every year. And so, that is exactly what I am prepared for this year as well. After all, what is life without some sugar and spice? Though, as an after thought - more of sugar, less of spice please, thanks very much.

P.S. - I still can't get over how grown-up I sound!