I'm 27! Or 28? Fuck.

This is going to be one whiny post. If you're that person who's always happy and shiny, please excuse yourself from this page. Also, please see a shrink.

Today is my birthday, 26th or 27th one I think. I stopped counting when I turned 19. True to being a Pisces, I've always hated attention, even if it came on my birthday. Each time, I would struggle to hide away and have a quiet celebration at home or go out with only a select set of people I'm very comfortable with. I mean, to me it's just another day. I existed yesterday, I will exist today and I will tomorrow as well, so what's all the fuss about? That's always my take on birthdays.

Until now.

For the first time, I was well and truly alone when the clock struck 12 (no, my family did not abandon me, I moved to a different country). There was no one I could sit with and bitch about the previous year. In person at least, my phone on the other hand was having violent seizures.

Birthdays are special people. It is the day you came into being. The cause for all the effect. It's needs to be celebrated. Not super extravagantly or anything, unless you're into that kind of thing. If nothing, at least have a pity party and a quiet drink. Like I did. And then write about it.

Like I did.

If you're lucky, you may actually have the strength to get through the day without feeling the pressure to make it amazing. Special only in your heart and in the hearts of those who matter.

As for me, today, for the first time, I feel alone.

So alone.


P.S. I know it's just a state of mind blah, blah, yada, yada. I get to have the feels once in a while, ok?

Bloody, Sparkling Confetti - Part 4

In accordance to the long standing tradition, New Year 2015 warrants another post on what I did on the eve of December 31st 2014. If you're wondering what I'm going on about, read this, this and this.
That being said, I won't blame you if you don't. I'm surprised you're even here, reading this non-sense.

So yeah, we made massive plans, given this could be my last NYE in India for a while, but more on that later.
This time, I had no sense of morbidity like in NYE 2013. Remember the whole rape-epidemic that started late 2012 in India and is still an on-going fight? I do not say this lightly, but it destroyed year 2013 for me. Everywhere I turned there was more hell for women kind. Yeah, I'm a little sensitive but it's no simple first world problem.

Anywhoo, I got though the negativity, bounced back and focused on my life and 2013 got easier as it ended. NYE 2014 was a blast.
NYE 2015 is really nothing to write home about. We went to yet another party at a popular resort, danced the night away. The music was truly epic and that's all I ever need. I wasn't drunk, so probably must be getting old.

At some point, I was just going through the motions, not living in the moment and just waiting for something to happen. Things just don't have that lasting impression on me anymore. I was looking for that one moment when the night would turn into something special.

So what did I learn this NYE? Big celebrations don't matter. Ad-mist all the noise and revelry, the tiny, tiny moment when you hug your partner (assuming you're in a relationship, and a happy one at that) or your friend is what matters. I remember a time when it was nothing short of mandatory to celebrate all major life events in a grand way. These days, I just want to be with the people I love. That's grand enough for me.

Yup, I really am turning into a wise old hag. I learnt that too.


P.S. - If you didn't realise already, NYE = New Year's Eve. Idjit.

Apostrophe Apocalypse.

What is with people using an apostrophe for plural words?

It's everywhere - social media, emails and even professional resumes, I kid you not!

When in doubt, google the damn thing. Don't just add an apostrophe by default, it doesn't make everything grammatically correct. 

Excerpt from a brilliant resume -

"SPOC for all agent's and manager's spread across 16 countries spread in 4 major location's"

I am not even talking about the chronic absence of the commas in this sentence. That validates a different post altogether.

In honor of all these idiots..I'll just leave this image right here.

 

Image source : http://www.someecards.com/usercards/

We Indians Are SO Weird!

So I was scrolling through my FB timeline in the usual mindless fashion and I came across this post one of my 'friends' copied. So, I have no shame re-copying it and am in fact glad this exists.

Points to note that ALL Indians do/ believe in. I am guilty of most of these, some as recent as today!

1. Every Indian bachelor wants to marry a fair girl.

2. When the doorbell rings, a male or kid goes to open the door. But the female runs for her dupatta.

3. Picking up/dropping a relative (airport / railway station) is an important family affair.

4. We thrive on street food and we don't get sick.

5. Every Indian mother has 2 careers - Working / Housewife + Match Making.

6. We have all had secret boyfriends / girlfriends. We don’t care about them cheating on us but we dread getting caught by each others parents.

7. Indian girls have 3 type of brothers. Real brother, Cousin brother, Rakhee brother.

8. The bride must cry at her Vidai. She has no business looking happy.

9. We go on cleaning sprees only during Diwali or when we have guests coming over.

10. However old we are, our parents need to know every detail of our schedule. Daily. No excuses. No exemption.

11. When Indian parents buy tickets, every child becomes under 12. Getting a half ticket is a huge victory!

12. If we live in another city and don't call our Mom daily , she’ll freak out and call all our friends to make sure we are alive.

13. We get embarrassed in front of our parents even when the word “sex” is written on a Form to specify gender.

14. No other nationality can beat Indians in bargaining. “Chalo bhaiya . Na tera na mera. Itne paise theek hain.”

15. Doesn't matter if we are Convent educated. When we are actually angry, we switch to highly effective, dirty, swear words in our mother tongue.

16. We spend more time talking to guests at the door when they are leaving than while sitting in the living room.

17. Why to change the remote batteries when you can just slap the shit out of the remote and make it work?

18. Meeting a person with the same surname is like finding a long lost twin

So true, innit? Again, this isn't my writing and exists mainly due to the miracle of Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V

P.S. If the original author reads this, let me know, I will be happy to link it to your original piece.

HIMYM - Read 'How The Show Got Massacred'

Never did I think I would rant about how a TV show ends. But hey, stranger things happen everyday.
To the creators of the show - Why would you do that to Ted Mosby? More importantly, why would you do that to us?
You make us wait for years. You name the show after the effing Mother and then you go and KILL her? I am majorly disappointed. And I did the Ted-Robin 'majorly disappointed' salute just now.

That's how much the show got to us.

The entire of the last season has been exasperating, just barely peppered with a few good moments. The only reason I kept watching it is just to obtain a sense of closure. It's like a car-wreck. You hate that it happened, but you can't look away.

And all the going back and forth between time lines, ADHD anyone? Ted going back to Robin is the worst idea ever. What do they think is going to happen? Robin will tour all over the world again, and Ted, being the incessant pain in the ass will get all whiny about it and then whine-dial Lily to complain. Thank God we don't have to watch that.
Also, he has just told his children that it is okay to sleep around, develop commitment issues, run away when you're uncomfortable, live like a doormat, shop till you are severely in debt and still expect the other person to stick around. If it's meant to be, all crappy behavior on your part is okay.  It is also okay to hook up with the other person if they do all this to you. That, I find masochistic.
Barney has a daughter, and goes all saint-like. After sleeping with 31 women in a month, no less. Someone then thought it was okay to have him call out the two girls in the bar, asking them to cover-up and call their parents. The same girls he took advantage of, over and over again. He seems to have forgotten those girls were somebody's daughters too. How about he call out the men picking up girls instead and teach them to treat women well? Also, New York seems to have blue french horns lying around, waiting to be bestowed upon emotionally unavailable, but needy women.

I know, I know. It is just a show.

It is, and I sat through ALL of it, hoping for a better ending. Honestly, though I didn't like the mother initially, I grew to like her. It is only natural that I get pissed off when she dies with no explanation. What is this mysterious illness you speak of?  Go talk to the writers of 'FRIENDS' before you end a show next time.

Now, here's what I liked about the end -

Lily and Marshall remained awesome.
I loved the little talk Ted and Tracy have under the yellow umbrella.
Robin's career finally takes off.
Ted seems totally okay with grey hair.

Yeah, that's it. Rest of the episode had me rolling my eyes for the most part. At the least, we can all now rest in peace and move on to the next overly-hyped TV show.

8 Ways To Ensure Your Colleagues Hate You.

This post is the result of pure exasperation and helplessness of having to deal with weirdos life has to offer.
I have been working in a corporate environment for the better part of my adult life. From the time I was eighteen, to be precise. Yes, friggin eighteen. That means I have also spent a good part of my life avoiding people because of the creepy vibes they give off, and that, ladies and germs, brings me to the first point.

1) Skunked!
Since we're talking about giving off vibes, here is something that You can give off too - odour. Nothing will make your colleague hate you more than body odour will. If you want to be left well alone or even better completely detoured around, don't shower. Of if you're one of those people that have to, since you sweat excessively, say goodbye to your deo.

2) The Blah.
If you're one of those people that can kind of feel themselves stinking and would rather shower each day, try the jabber mouth approach. Yes, be THAT person. Talk all day, everyday. You don't even have to make any sense. Infact, talk all about yourself, like how you got that brand new car, again. Or how your mom thinks you're the most adorable person or how girls cannot stop swooning over you, or how you kill that workout at the gym. Come on, your life is so exciting, every one deserves to hear all about it.

3) The-I'm-too-good-for-your-face approach.
If you find talking that exhausting, try the opposite approach. Don't talk at all, like each word out of your mouth is worth a dollar. If someone talks to you, give them a stiff smile, if you're feeling too generous, you could also nod. If you're a guy, this will ensure that you're left alone till kingdom come. If you're a girl, a few guys are gonna try twice or thrice. But nothing an icy stare can't fix, right?

4) Muckraker magic
Ensuring someone hates you is a tough job. You need to have a strategy carefully worked out. It might take a little effort initially, but sure is worth the effort. How about this? Find someone, possibly a chick, and get her talking, the more scandalous the information, the better. Best done in the ladies washroom, if you're a girl or a chat at the office pantry if you're a guy. Then, go to his/ her arch rival and leak this bit of information to him/ her. Get this person talking, since you've given them a juicy tidbit already and pass the new information around. Now sit back and watch your handiwork come to a full circle. Oh yeah, you're the office plague now.

5) Suck ups will rule the world!
Every office, every single one, has that one idiot that tries to be the boss's favorite person. While your boss might not really give a shit about you, pretending to be his/her little elf goes a long way. Carry her bag, or bring him home-cooked lunch. Pass on little nuggets about your co-workers. Betty-big-nose attended a job interview? The boss's gotta know. Mr.Goody-two-shoes was out drinking when he was supposed to be home sick, how about a picture of his drunk face on the boss's desk? You will be hated so much, the devil will sympathize with you.

6) I see you. No, I dont.
Try this - Establish eye contact. Now, slowly look away. Do not smile, do not nod, do not acknowledge. It's human to smile on eye contact and the poor bloke that you look at, will. You're messing with human expectations, gettit? This method requires the least effort, with maximum benefit. You are now the official corporate creep.

7) 'Cos you're feeling good
Intrude everyone's personal space. Be the touchy-feely slime bag. Pat women lightly on their hands, feel men up their back and shoulders. Make people want to back away when they see you coming. Be careful though, there's a good chance you might be thrown out for sexual harassment first.

8) Broke is my middle name
It's never good to pay for your food, right? The right time to get someone to pay for you is when they're ordering the food. Go "Hey, watchu ordering? I'm starving." or "Man, I haven't eaten all day". Make their obligation to order for you quite clear. Or simply join their table and start picking out their food while they eat. Nothing will make them hate you more.

If none of the above ideas work, admit it. You're an extremely likable person and you are doomed for life.

I have at some point met each of these characters in my professional life and have learnt excellent maneuvering skills. And believe me, these people in all reality do exist.

Making the world a better place, one weirdo at a time.


<< /end rant >>

Bloody, Sparkling Confetti - Part 3

This post has been looong pending.
I've somehow kept up over the last two years with updating what I did/ didn't do for the New Year's eve. I gotta say, the welcoming of New Year 2014 has been the best yet. Why, you ask? Lets go over a quick check list.

Partied away from my home city? - Check
Partied all night? - Check
Kick-ass fireworks when the clock stuck 12? - Check
Hugged the love of your life at 12? - Check
Danced till 6 am? - Check

There were a few side affects to all this of course. Hubby had to fend off all the men and ladies *gasp* hitting on me the whole time. But considering that we were in Goa, everything that happens there is the new 'normal'. Then, there was this horrible aching in my feet the whole of that week, and returning to work was a terrible ordeal in itself.

When I look back at the Part 2 of this post, I am not very surprised at how morbid I sounded a year ago. Miserable that I felt, I did move on. The world is a bad place and there is little space for the honest to live in. But that does not mean we give up. We fight the good fight and hope for the best. There are still days where I feel I've hit rock bottom but I look around and see the ones I love. That is reason enough to wake up everyday and give it another shot.

2013 has been a year of successes and let downs, just like every year. And so, that is exactly what I am prepared for this year as well. After all, what is life without some sugar and spice? Though, as an after thought - more of sugar, less of spice please, thanks very much.

P.S. - I still can't get over how grown-up I sound!

I Am A Big Girl Now. I Think.

I've been gone so long. There is no excuse. Well there is - Life.
Life is my excuse.

That being said, I'm back. For the time being at least..

So much has happened over the last few months. I settled nicely into the new job. I even finished a whole year here. Looking at this post, I was pretty sure I'd have another job on my resume within weeks, no matter how optimistic that post sounded. But I stayed, so hooray!

But the point of this post is to note how far I've come. Besides, it's the end of another year, what else is there to do? The difference dawned on me when my organisation hired a bunch of trainees right out of college. I realized I was looking down my nose on them and was super annoyed by their enthusiasm. Yes, annoyed because they had so much energy. Maturity, not so much.

So I've decided to make a list of things that prove that I'm no longer the-little-girl-trying-to-act-grown-up but am rather quickly on my way to turning into an old hag.

1) I've gotten used to being comfortable. There was a time when I used to get fidgety in about 5 seconds, but now the boredom is just replaced with comfort in routine. Scary, I know.

2) Loud music hurts my head sometimes. My younger self would dance all day, everyday to any kind of music. But now, your's truly needs the following for enjoy herself at a night out - right kind of drinks, the right crowd, the right ambiance, the right lighting, the right music, the right company, the right DJ..you get the point right?

3) The ideal way to spend my evening would be with a ...hold your breath - A book.

You may now exhale.

4) I have absolutely NO time for anything. A massage, a sudden meeting with a friend, or any activity that is not planned a few weeks in advance. It's a straight up, simple 'no'. Any free time I have is spent as per point # 3 mentioned above.

5) I am perfectly alright spending the night in my jammies and a sweatshirt, cuddled up on the sofa, on a Saturday! There was a time when that horrified me. I would worry about my Saturday night plans starting right from Monday morning. Now I don't make my Saturday night plans, even on a Saturday. That being said, I am still dragged to parties and I'm constantly looking at my phone for an excuse to cop out of them.

6) Movies bore me. I've seen them all. Movie plots seem to repeat themselves in an endless loop and I couldn't be bothered to see if this one's any different.

7) Every time I see an early-20-something-somebody act cocky, I don't react. I just wait for them to trip on their own laces 'cos I know exactly what's coming at them next. I also realize this is how the world felt when I was an early-20-something-somebody. *insert smug look here*

8) I am excellent at make-up. Enough said.

9) 'Fun' is replaced by just being happy. I truly value the feeling of 'peace'. It's hard to come by and if it does, it doesn't last long.

10) And lastly, I have only a handful of people I call friends and family. Everyone else has simply been eliminated by vices.

All this boils down to one thing - I am happy. Not satisfed, but happy.

I'm still not okay with little girls calling me 'aunty'.Thankfully, no one has started to. Yet.

P.S. I still love shopping till I'm broke. I said I've grown up, not transitioned into a man. Lets not get carried away.

To Stay On Or To Stick It.

I am a drifter.

I'm not a quitter, mind you. But a drifter.
I remember changing at least five schools as a kid. My sense of not 'belonging' anywhere started as a kid. So, I don't have that lifelong kin-ship you would have with your school mates, because you spent all your formative years together. I mean, you would know when J pooped his pants and H would eat nose-boogers. And yet, you see them now, doing what they are as grown-ups, no matter how much they changed, they would still be your chaddi-buddies in its true sense.

I think, I carried that feeling of being an alien all my life. My friends would be sharing an inside joke, that everyone knew and I would have no idea what it meant, and I wouldn't mind either. I don't think anyone intended to alienate me, but it just happened. So now, I am prepared to not 'belong'. I carried that attitude through college, through my first job, my second job, my third..you see the trend.

I did make lasting relationships along the way, I pick the people I am around very carefully. But maybe, that's the exact habit I need to let go.
The first decision I make when I start new at someplace is, "I'm gonna stick around for so-and-so months. And then, I'm gonna move there". And because that has been my intention the whole while, it ends up happening anyway.

So now, here, though the work is crazy and people are hard to reason with, I'm going to try and stay on. I've quit jobs for the silliest of reasons. So imagine when the going gets tough. I actually get going, just that it's out the door.

I've already planned on giving interviews, pulling a few connections etc. etc. This morning, I was woken up by a call for an interview I would have attended just for kicks. But I told them I already had a job, not looking for a 'change'. Instead of walking out on drama, like someone said - I'm just going to wait for the jerks to quit.

I think this post is a reality check. I have no need to belong, but I think I should. Everyone should know what it is like to 'belong'. It isn't a need, it is a luxury. With the kind of lives we live, where no one is anybody, it's only right that you know somebody. That you know the people in the place where you live, where you work and where you eat.



P.S. I'm still miles away from getting pally with my neighbors next door. That's just asking for trouble.

Hell's Chicken.

There are three kinds of people in this world.

The ones that see you're in shit and help you.
The ones that say 'fuck you' to your face.
And the ones make you think they're helping you but in reality just sitting on their plush behinds.

I had the immense privilege of experiencing the third kind recently. They hold the carrot right under your nose. They assure you in all ways that the job IS getting done. Some even go to the extent to asking you not to do anything that might jeopardize their efforts. Sneaky they are. The third kind.

Since I have had the pleasure of dealing with such a person recently, I found an effective way to deal with them. Gentle reminders don't work. Harsh reminders don't work. Following up doesn't work. Pretending to be pissed with them doesn't work either. Trust me, pretending to be pissed part works beautifully for me otherwise.
You either pull out a bigger carrot to hang it under their nose. Or you light a fire under their ass and let it burn. Carrots, brinjals and all.

Me being me, couldn't bother with the bigger carrot. So I went with the fire instead. Ah! The sight of burning balls...err...brinjals..err..carrots..I seem to have lost focus but you get the point.

Of course part of the lesson is that you don't go back to the same person for help again, no matter how much they want to pretend to be helping you.

Like they say, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you better pray for an extinguisher and run.




P.S. This post has nothing to do with it's title.

In Retrospect.

I've made quite a few drastic changes in my life. That includes, but is not limited to my job.

As I sat at my desk, pondering over yet another client's network that took the plunge, I thought to myself, "This job is no fun", when infact I spent the better part of last year, trying to get this job.

Of course, this job is no fun. It's 2 in the am and there's barely a soul at work.

People, I realized  are what mattered. You could be a deckhand for all you care, but the job is more fun if you had some nasty sailors to whom you can bitch about it.

Also, I realized belatedly, people are not easy to find if you change your job every year or so. And therein lies my problem.
Now that I've got that out, I'm going back to figure out why a perfectly good network decided to purge in a live production environment.

The incongruity of it all.

Retail Therapy *exclamation mark*

The whole of 2012, for me, went in a struggle. I got married, which you probably knew and is probably the only good thing that happened. But then, I also quit working, since I wanted to do something better. "Acquire a skillset", were my exact words. Pleebhhhh.

I was always a compulsive shopper. I shopped half my income, though I did manage to save quite a bit. I'm still not sure how I achieved that. But yes, I shopped a LOT!

So when I quit working, being the independent psychopath that I always was, I completely cut down on my expenses. No compulsive shopping, no shopping. Period. My logic was simple. If you don't earn, you don't get to spend.

Seriously, this independence thing is gonna kill me some day,I should learn how to leech off from people more. It wasn't just about buying things, I ended up making very serious lifestyle changes. I almost didn't think I would survive.

So, now that I finished my courses and found a better job and everything, it took me a while to get into the groove. The first couple of months were recovery months. Trying to clear the dues I had, and then some. And then, for the first time, I had the guts to spend on myself again.

I tell you, what shopping is to a woman, is like what sex is to a man. Or close enough.

I felt like I downed some good quality, really awesome shrooms. I bought like a whoole bunch of clothes. Then I went nuts in The Body Shop. I bought this, though I already have one of these. And this and this. And a ton of their make up brushes. Oh and this as well. There were more, but blahh.

So, anyways, I realized what I had forgotten all these months. 

As a favor to mankind, to all the guys reading, I say this -  No matter what your woman says, if you want her to be happy and lay off your hide, retail therapy is mandatory. Once a month, at least.

And that's the truth my friend.

P.S. - I used 'exclamation mark' in the title instead of '!', 'cos the real thing is too peppy for me. Yeah, like that makes sense.

And then, cognizance dawned

Three non-consequential things have happened this month. And because all things non-consequential need to be apprised to the world, I am going to do just that.

So, firstly, I watched Les Miserables.

Les Miserables, like all musicals was good. Very good. Though I did see quite a few guys walk out because they couldn't take so much, how should I put this..drama? And probably because watching fully grown men singing things, instead of just saying them might have threatened their own manhood. It was a perfect Sunday night movie and though hubby said he hated it, I'm thinking he secretly liked it. Don't tell him I said that.
Of course, I think the next few days we're going say all our sentences in a song. I realized things like 'I just woke up and I want you to make teaaaaa' sounded much better in a loud, tune-less sing song voice. And of course, like they say, my voice could be much worse than my problems.

Coming to the next point, I think my husband has mastered the art of managing women. I was watching 'The Mentalist' with my better half reluctantly perched on the sofa, when I saw Patrick Jane vocally admiring the tea he was given. "Clove and honey..mmmm...delicious", he said. And then, I had this sudden urge to drink clove and honey tea. Because I had both honey and clove at hand, I went and made some. I loved it. I did offer a nice cupful to the better half of mine who drank it wordlessly.
The next day, when it was my turn to make tea, "Honey and clove?", I asked, excitedly.

"It's ummm..too exotic.", said the husband, with a contrite look on his face.

Nice save, mister.

Lastly, I spent the last one year trying to whip my body cycle into that of a normal person. But it wouldn't have any of it. I spent sleepless mornings, awake as a dying frog, trying to force myself to sleep at night. And then, sometime in December last year, I turned into a diurnal person, doing a regular 9 to 6 work shifts. As luck would have it, I've been thrown again into night shifts and I was thinking my body would go into a roller-coaster ride again, trying to adjust.

Not.

I was awake as a baby on steroids on my first night in shift.
People have, for years, been terrified of waking me up early in the morning 'cos I'm such a joy and take pleasure in biting their heads off when they do. It all makes sense now. I realized I never was and never will be a morning person

God Bless the Queen. And King. And everybody else.

Bloody Sparkling Confetti - Part 2

It's 2013 now. Everywhere I turn there are happy, shiny, positive blogs, vlogs and videos. Here I am thinking another year bites the dust and the world is not better off because of it.
The year ended on such a depressing, angry note. I am surprised there are people in our country that still wanted to celebrate, in spite of all that happened. This made me realise two things.

People are selfish and they forget.
A new year doesn't mean a damn thing.

How many times have you stopped at the scene of an accident/ atrocity/ injustice and actually helped instead of simply standing there and gawking? I'll be honest here. I never stop to gawk and sometimes( and I only mean sometimes) I stop to help. If I think it's within my capacity. I have strong feelings of outrage and more often than not, I try to do things the right way. Sadly, I can't say this of everyone I know.
Even till this day, the chai wallah gives me a once over. So does the auto wallah and every human at work that boasts of a phallus. So, nothing's changed in that regard.

I feel extremely morbid. There's no light at the end of the tunnel. It's just a long winding tunnel that gets darker every second. The light you see is probably some prick holding a rod to knock you out.

We are the same people, with the same jobs and the same lives. What's to celebrate? It's just a reason for people to booze, enterprises to earn money and businesses to make fools out of the gullible.

It's been a while since I saw a genuinely nice gesture from another human. Something like this.
This NEVER happens. Humanity as we know it, is dead..or dying. Same difference.

As for me, I spent New Year's at home. With family and friends. I slept shortly after the clock struck 12.
I woke up on the 1st and went to work.
I can only hope this world starts to become a better place this year. You know how all the beauty pageant contestants ask for "world peace" when they win the crown or something? It sounds so shallow when we hear it, but I get that now. From the bottom of my heart, that's all I want this year.

Peace.

Dear Mayans,

I just have one thing to say.

IN YOUR FACE.

*singing Everybody Dance Now in King Julian's voice*

Regards,
Me.

Blind Woman's Bluff - Kiddie Wars

You know those people that look at you in irritation when your kids are trampling around the mall in their squeaky shoes? I am one of them.

I really have nothing against kids (I find they are adorable in spite of the mass destruction they cause); I totally have it against parents that can't control their wards. Every time I decide to have a meal in peace, even breakfast for heavens sake, there is a huge family that walks in. Four uncles, four aunties, one- two difficult teenage girls and at least four kids out of which three take it on themselves to kick the waiter in his shins and drop all the forks. The last one simply sits there bawling his lungs out.

*massaging my headache*

I make it my business to stay away from noisy kids. (I know, I know. How far can I run, right?)
To my enormous surprise, turns out I'm actually good with them, one at a time that is.

This other day,we went to a cousins house who had a 4-5 year old boy. He's the kind that beat up your kid and is responsible for all the bite marks on the other boys. If you have the audacity to ask why he bites other boys, his nonchalant response would be, 'Becuzz my teeths are sharrp'.
For the un-initiated, I am a Telugu, married to a Tamilain..so I understand a select few words of the language.

I knew I had to break the ice or I'd forever be that chitthi* that never talks. Believe me when I tell you, the four year old gave me the attitude only deserving of the Prince of Prussia. I tried making friends with him for a good one hour and the bugger refused to even look at my face. Then he stopped being adamant and turned shy instead.
So I changed tactics. I ignored him. I mean, I looked at him and then turned away with an amused smile on my face. Slowly, he got his face out of the pillow and got out of his bed. Then he went and hid behind the door, peeping whenever he heard me speaking to his mom. After about 20 minutes of this, he sneaked up to me, hit my hand, yelled 'hallo' and promptly ran away.
His mom looked at me and she's like, 'He's not a shy kid, wtf is wrong with him?'

After about another hour, he figured I don't bite and came up to me. He grabbed my hand and he goes, 'I have soooo many toys, you can play if you want'. I know this is a total drawn out 'awwww' moment but by now I'm exhausted trying to figure out this kid.
I went with the flow instead and by the end of the evening we became such great friends that he decided he'd abandon his parents.
He dad asked him , 'Who's party are you on? Mummy party or daddy party'.
He's like, 'Illa, chitthi party'.**

Buhahahaha!



*chitthi = aunt
**'Illa, chitti party' - 'No, aunt's party.'

Stupid is as stupid does.

There is a moment, everyday when I think some people are better off if they simply remained eggs and never had a swimmer get to them. EVERY freaking day.

This other day I was sitting at a bakery and a bunch of college girls walked in. All of them carried these heavy duty smart phones.
Girl 1 : How come you don't use wifi?
Girl 2 (I am not kidding) : What to do...I don't have enough call balance on the phone.

*insert my incredulous expression here*
I choked on my coke and wanted to dunk the rest of it on her empty head.

At this point you must be thinking, 'They were both girls, what did you expect?' Hold on, hold on.

This old friend of mine pings me and half way through the convo..
Him : So what are you working as?
Me : I'm a Network Engineer.
Him : Is it a Call Center?

Wait, what?
Yeah, I quit my job, did a whole bunch of certifications for half a year just to show people the magic of  Internet Explorer. Which part of 'Network Engineer' did he not get?
I swear, had I been with him in person, I would have dug a hole, buried him and hopped a few times on it just to make sure he was good and dead.


This one's by far the most ridiculous one I was subject to. I was in this interview with his chubby guy in a blazer, who was a manager/ AVP/ VP something in this organisation. He asked me a question and I gave him a fairly straight forward answer.
He goes : I want details. I mean, do you dump ingredients directly in a pot when you cook or do you follow a recipe? I want the recipe.
My response?

I. Don't. Cook.

This guy just compared my professional skills to cooking, because I am a girl and I am married. Would he have asked the same question had it been a guy? Bloody stereotypes. 

One of these days, I'm gonna lose it and simply whack someone in the face.


P.S - I did end up getting that job.
P.P.S. - Not only do I cook, I am an excellent cook. Still, the guy got the point.

What the hell is wrong with Indian men?!

Ever since I was old enough to make my choices, (you know, selecting what chutney I want with my idli and what topping I wanted on my ice-cream) I was/ am the object of contempt/ chagrin to many a bald uncle and shiny saree adorned aunty because 'unorthodox' is written all over my name. Of course, I was the one to ask awkward questions, like openly pondering where babies came from or being the one to talk extra loud just because everyone was deeply meditating to an idol. I wouldn't go as far as to call it 'make-believe'. Imagine the kind of storm I'd kick up. Definitely not 'make-believe'. I'm thinking you'll get my point if I say 'make-believe' often enough. 'Make-believe'

Anyways.

My ranting today doesn't have anything to do with bald uncles and shiny aunties.
Picture this, you're at your new job, you're also the only girl in a roomful of guys ( remember those smart choices I was talking about?). Obviously, this doesn't bother you because you've been a neon sign-board all your life. There's a round of introduction and hand-shaking going on. The first guy comes around hand-shaking and you're next. One of these three things happen.

1. He awkwardly retracts his hand 'cos he's too shy/ conservative to shake your hand.
2. He skips you all together.
3. And this one's the worst, he bravely offers his hand, but NEVER all the way.

It's like half a handshake. Don't even talk about eye-contact. Me, being the neon board that I am, thrust my hand out all the way, and this guy grabs only the tips of my fingers and abruptly retracts his hand like I bit him. I wish I had.

You know what I feel like doing at this point?
Run in the opposite direction. Screaming.

Believe it or not, this has happened more times than I can count. No, not the screaming part.
Indian men either put a woman on a pedestal and bow before her, or treat her like a freaking commodity they own. What in the world happened to finding a balance? A stupid effing handshake doesn't amount to physical abuse. And no, we don't bite.

India is a land of many exotic wonders. Indian men, darling, for most part are not one of them*.


*None of this includes my husband. Teeheee! He's adorable. Really.

Of Misters And The Methanol

You know, if I weren't married, I'd probably be that girl bitching about how all my friends are married.

I mean, what is it with women and the need to belong anyway? Half the women I know are married just because the other half are. And the ones that aren't, are usually are getting drunk and cheering in bars because they really have nothing to cheer about.

I'm sorry, was that offensive?

Good.

Oh and the string of destructive boyfriends! I asked this particular friend of mine who had a jerk for a boyfriend about why she puts up with his non-sense. Seriously, this guy left her stranded in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the night! Without batting an eyelid, she says, "I love him, we even went to this wedding together."
Really. That's what you're going with? Come on. Come on!

I know I sound silly and oxy-moronic that I'm married and I'm bitching about women that are getting married thinking this is what I'd do if I weren't married but I'm not. Silly that is. I am oxy-moronic.

My head hurts too.

Wait, I know I had a point in there somewhere.
The point is, ladies, don't settle. Don't put up with shit, in the name of love and other non-sense.

If you've been reading so far looking for a profound ending, congratulations. You've only ended up with barf post all the methanol.
Ew.
I did not need that picture in my head before I went to bed. On that note, bon nuit.

P.S. - Note that I've labelled 'cancer' on this post. Yes, it is that bad.
P.P.S. - I'm also that lazy to look up the correct spelling for 'bon nuit'.

Serotonin AWOL

I've hit rock bottom, once again and there are very very few things that make me want to drag myself out of bed. So I've decided to make list of things I can look back on when I'm left wanting for a silver lining.

1. Sleep it off :

That basically means don't bother getting out of bed in the first place. Come to think of it, it's a plan as good as any.

2. Happy Music :

Vote for song of the month and listen to it on repeat. 

Note to self : This song cannot suck, since my sanity depends on it.

Song for current month : Can't Smile Without you, by Barry Manilow

3. Chocolate :

In all its forms! Being partial towards rum and raisin flavored chocolate is accepted and also expected.

Or a mug of steaming hot chocolate milk, since milk does make up for my calcium quota for the month.

4. Cheesecake :

Need I say more? Serotonin's already peeking from it's hidey hole.

5. TLC :

This one time, I felt super weepy and down. So I went and found my husband. Then I got a blanket and cuddled up to him. He happily obliged and I promptly fell asleep without moving for a few hours. Read point 1 again.

6. Read a good book :

A nice hot cup of chai to go with it won't hurt either. Again, stay away from murders, horrors, zombies and anything else that might be disturbing. 

7. Put off all decisions :

Unless someone's dying,in which case, find someone to make the decision for you. You cant decide what flavor juice you want right now, so making life altering decisions can be, well, life altering.

8. Watch a movie :

And make sure it's something happy. Like Madagascar, or When Harry Met Sally or Despicable Me or..you get my drift. Stick to animations, you can never go wrong.

Works wonders when used in combination with points 3, 4 and 5.

9. Stay away from bright lights and sounds :

It wont do any good to your already messed up head. It's like Alice in Umbrella Corp lock-down in there.

10. If all else fails :

Sit down and have a good cry. Then get up and take a hot bath. The wonders of a nice, hot shower are truly undermined.

Yup. That'll get you through the rest of the day.